am i the only one?

I have had an interesting week, a good one really. Nothing to complain about.

Last night at Youth I was given some news that not only made me extremely sad, but it also made me feel like I had somewhat failed as a leader.

I continuously struggle with this kind of battle. I believe I am involved with youth 'for such a time as this' and that where I am right now is where God wants me to be, but sometimes the picture becomes a bit cloudy and its hard to understand why? Just why?

I am extremely blessed to have amazing leaders who deeply love and care for our youth and our youth blow me away - there are so many incredible and really positive things happening in their lives and yet when something bad or when I find out something - as I did last night it seems to overshadow all the great things that are happening, and I hate that it does.

Sometimes I genuinely feel left out as a leader, I feel like I don't make a difference because no one comes to me, is that pathetic? I really am not fishing for compliments either, I'm just writing what I feel sometimes.

Is anyone always really happy with how there ministry is going?

Do other people feel the same way I do?

I hate that I have an expectation of people, that is probably too high, it is something I have been writing about in my journal, I think sometimes I expect people around me to be living like Christians even if they aren't Christians. I have been asking God to help me be humble and literally just filled with love.

I guess I just want to feel like I am needed.

simple. but not easy.

This past week was amazing! I had the opportunity to be a leader on rEVOLution camp (salvation army, sa division). There were 127 of us and it was increidble.

Captain Shar Davis (from NZ) and Derek McClure were both guest speakers on Camp. They both shared spoke about Who we are in Christ and who he has called us to be.

Shar shared one morning about Identity and Destiny, she used analogy of Adam and Eve, with incredible insight, Why didn't God warn Adam and Eve of he serpent? - Because the serpent wasn't a threat to God. I love that! In this session kids were asked to take a step over the line into taking back the parts of their lives they have let the devil have - that God gives us authority and power. In a night session she also spoke about following Jesus. Its simple but not easy. She spoke of how much power words have that there is literally life and death power with what comes out of our mouths. In this session, the youth were challenged to bring their sins out of the darkness and into the light, they were asked to share their sin with someone not only so they could be kept accountable but so they could also take ownership of their sin.

As I prayed with so many of the youth over the week in this one session I just prayed that they would not be embarrassed and ashamed to share and expose their sin but be excited about the Freedom in Christ that comes after. It was so encouraging to see so many kids not only come to Christ, but to see peoples lives literally be restored by the power and love of Christ. I continaully prayed the Armous of God over so many of them and will continue to. Shar spoke about how following Jesus was simple. but not easy. Think about it...

Its hard to continue to maintain that high and exciting relationship you have with God, not just when your a kid either. I still find it hard, in Cambodia I didn't watch TV, or really even have many friends I could talk too so I was able to spend good quality time with God and I felt so close to God, its the same coming home from camp. I guess that is part of the chllenge we have as followers, God seeks after us and we need to seek after Him, after all he is waiting. I know I want to follow Him, I want to wake up everyday and make a conscious decision to follow and be obedient. And, that's what I strive to do.

reflection

I have been home from Cambodia for nearly two weeks and I still find myself stopping sometimes just trying to remember and reflect upon the experience. What I am finding most difficult is how to live as a person in a privileged society. I would like to think that I have never really wasted my money on pointless stuff, and I don't spend a lot of money on clothes and even before Cambodia this was something I felt convicted about - spending my money wisely, making sure I was tything and giving to Operation 58, and even though I do these things obediently and willingly I am still finding it difficult to know where to draw the line.

When I was in Cambodia I read the passage in 1 John that reminds us to live in the world but not of the world,

1 John 1:15-17

'Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boastings of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.'

Reading this verse again, God is literally asking us to not love anything of this world, does this mean when I say I love a pair of jeans or when I say I love High School Musical I am dishonoring God? I sure hope not, but I think it is what this passage is talking about. Seriously this verse is intense God is saying anything in us that is of the world is wrong and that the Lord is not in them! I know I want the Father to live in me.

This verse reminds me of how simple my lifestyle was in Cambodia, that is something I miss. Being able to wake up everyday and know your going to spend the whole day with God, serving him and serving the Poipet community, it was such a privilege to be able to live like that and it's something I hope i'll never forget.

Coming back to justification, I pray that God will really just speak to me about how I can live in this society without wanting everything and 'needing' so much. I know guilt is not from God but its hard to not feel guilty about buying a pair of jeans when you know that money could send a child trapped in sex slavery to school for an entire year... How can I justify that? I guess this is the challenge - deny ourselves and take up our cross. (is that from a song? haha)